Splurt FAQ

Q: What is Splurt?

A: Splurt is the exciting, brisk website with a unique and patented flavor that is quickly becoming a global favorite.

Q: What flavor is Splurt?

A: Splurt comes in three easy-to-consume flavors: Bitumen, Malt Liquor, and Sparkling Sausage Gravy.

Q: Is Splurt a good addition to my daily diet and exercise regimen?

A: No, no it is not. However, Splurt is a terrific replacement for all of the above.

Q: Your new advertising says that Splurt is now free of carcinogens. Does this include the State of California?

A: No, the State of California still considers lead to be a carcinogen. Lovers of Splurt who live in the State of California will still need to purchase their beverage of choice from the various online shops operating on the Dark Web while our lobbyists and corporate lawyers continue to encourage state legislators to include Splurt-friendly consumer protections into an upcoming wildlife-protection bill.

Q: My dog keeps trying to lick the inside of my glass after I’ve enjoyed a refreshing serving of Splurt. Why is this?

A: Dogs love the taste of antifreeze, a key component of Splurt’s unique, thirst-quenching flavor. However, antifreeze is toxic for dogs, so please do not share Splurt with dogs or other pets without diluting it with tap water first.

Q: Will Splurt give me more energy or increased mental clarity at work?

A: Hahahahahahahahahahaha! No.

Q: I find that my vision becomes very blurry after drinking Splurt, and sometimes I fall down for no apparent reason. Why is this?

A: You are obviously not drinking enough Splurt. True Splurt lovers no longer find these side-effects to be worrying, and in fact, quite enjoy the brisk sensation of falling down unexpectedly or losing parts of their long-term memory. Memories are bad and full of pain and you don’t need either of these in your life. You only need Splurt.